Progress vs perfection

I missed you blog, reunited. Wow so much has happened. Grandbaby, our off grid one acre has chickens and eggs!! A wedding to look forward to . Life is chugging along. It’s beautiful here in Hawaii. Post last years hurricane , it’s so clear it hurts to see. Our little farmers market business is bustling, and I’m grateful for it all. Started to make some healthy lifestyle choices . I love that word choices . It’s like going the a buffet and feeling that ahh. So here’s to today and my 24 hour circle around the sun.


Dissapeared off the radar. Been trying to do this sober thing alone, not working. I started this blog in hopes of being inspired to stay dry, follow 100 day sober challenge . What I have discovered along the last 3 years of sitting on the fence, blowing back and fourth like a sheet in the wind is piss or get off the pot. I have reviewed my last 3 years of heavy drinking and it’s not pretty. It’s not fun at my age. I tried to keep up with family members, girlfriends and my young adult children( young adult bounce back). I’ve buried friends, seen husbands have stokes and being a party animal senior citizen is just tacky. So here’s to a new path , one of least resitance , entering Grandma land and wanting to set a better example.

Sober wheelin

It’s been a adventurous past two weeks.No booze,getting up learning to walk again(literally).I have always been a person who,well has to do things the hard way.My accident has given me so much insight on just being alive.I spent 10 days unable to move,let alone pee on my own.I have had to learn after being really stripped down to my basic needs of eating,sleeping,and praying I’d just walk again.
I’ve have so much love and gratitude for every human who picked up my broken body,and nursed me back to life.That my friends will make you never want to be intoxicated and ever not in control of your self.The hard way,that’s me.
I had the opportunity to get out yesterday in a walker and wheelchair.I’m only 54 and the looks of people from that vantage point were interesting.I’m not a very patient person, I’m pretty independent and driven.My Dr.Called me type A.Commandoing a wheelchair reminded me of all the strollers on a hot summer day in Disneyland, get out of my way or your going to have smashed feet..The world is not set up for you in a sitting position.
So I’m up today,no crappy ass hangover to bother me.I full of gratitude.

simple thing that really matter

I haven’t posted in a while,I moved and started a new life.The past few years I have experienced financial hardships,work hardships and just plain living hardships.All the while chugging booze .Sitting on the fence him hawing, waxing and wanting if booze was robbing my quality of life.
I have in the past 6 days been dropped to my knees,flat on my back struggling to live.
I post grateful shit,but until today I really was not at the level of gratitude for living as I am now.
On past Sunday I had a horrible accident, a freak one.I’m now stone cold sober and will never take anyone or anything for granted,ever.
We procrastinated on putting up a railing around our deck,we all adults right.In the back of my mind,nagging at my soul I begged my husband to put up a rail.He did I bitched it’s to high,some one can go thru it.You guessed it that was me.It happened so quick I flipped backwards landed on my already bad back 6ft down still clinging to my lawn chair.A tower of terror you didn’t sign up for.All I could think I would be paralyzed for life.My daughter held my bleeding head,I h a d to be airlifted out.All the way I prayed please Lord don’t take my legs.
So today my grateful list is having my daughters shampoo my hair,sitting up today 7 broken ribs and fractured disks.Being humble enough to let someone let me cry on them in pain.Having an awesome cna who truly loves his job. I’m happy to know my family loves me broken,they’re happy to just have me any way,shape or form.
I know that when it’s all seems to go to shit,therez always another lower level we haven’t yet experienced.


Moving forward day

It’s official I no longer own my debt ridden monster of a home.Thank you Universe, I am so happy the waiting game is over.Breathe in breathe out.The lesson in this less IS more,who in the HELL needs 3 toilets? I resent cleaning one.So it’s moving forward day,hefty bags are my bff.I am very grateful this bigger than me nightmare is coming to its end.I am truly blessed today one acre to move to and I am a stronger and smarter woman for wear.


Gratitude,naps and rubber slippers

It’s funny how I hold onto old things for comfort.Old relationships that should have been dissolved years ago.It’s like almost comparison shopping to see if I’m not oh so bad.After a long chat with a friend from my past today ,an old drinking buddy from my teens whom I’ve kept in contact with.I’m really ,really grateful I moved out of So.California.I’m am grateful,grateful,grateful.
My life is so different here,like some days here just so damn chill.It’s slow and graceful.It’s a privilege to be graced with warm weather,salty waters and nature in its fullest form.
I swim almost daily ,then have a nice relaxing lunch with my daughter.In the afternoon it rains daily which makes for some really nice and calm time to nap.I don’t watch much t.v. except for a hour oh so before bed.I feel like I’m kinda sheltered, but by choice.
Living on the mainland I had to try to keep of with a lifestyle that is just really competitive.Why as human do we feel the need to shop for things to fill us up? Eat junk to fill us up? Get on prescription that the boobtube rattles off a laundry list of symptoms to repeat to our Dr.For what?
Ill take my simple life by the ocean,eating what’s in season and sporting my rubber $3.00 slippers.


Day Three Yeah for Me

Good Morning to blog land.Inserted a picture of Pebble Beach today,it’s a little voggy from the volcanoes.I still am amazed that I live on a fat giant volcanoe.Hawaii has like 11 eco climates.You can drive up to the snow,and surf all in the same day.I live up country it’s cool and breezy.Ill be moving to a fully sustainable farm up coming in about 6 weeks or so.The bank has finally in been given the green light and awarded a judgement.I drank a lot over this.I’ve learned it’s called grief,which equals loss.None of us like to lose people,or possessions but well that’s life , and shit is just sometimes bigger than little old us.I have no feelings of shame,animosity or hate.I’m actually feeling relief.I can’t wait for this mess to be gone so I can move on.I feel really grateful to all those people who helped us along these unknown waters.My dad for one,my husband co workers who when all hell broke loose and every appliances was jumping on the shit wagon rescued us.
This whole experience at 54 had taught very valuable lessons.First you won’t die if you have to use an ice chest.Two who really needs three bathrooms to clean.Three I’m am just better simple.I’m not good and managing a lot of things and money it’s just a lot of responsibility.
Me and the hubs will be a lot healthier in the long run ridding our selves of excessive debt,worry,stress.We have pretty much set our selves up now to be able to focus on a retirement,have savings and growing 75 percent of our food source.Not bad for going down in flames in the last 3 years.Today I’m grateful,wiser,and more resilient.Added bonus I’m not hungover.

King of Misery

Still detoxing from my weekend escapades.I realize I can’t do this alone.Not in my house beers drinkers are us.This has been a lifestyle for me of over 40 years and realize it’s how my family,my friends family and half of society cope.The funny thing is society has known for years it’s a killer,poverty maker and outright lies to us.It’s an illusion that were supposed to do.It’s like tradition and so widely celebrated throughout my life.But here’s the clincher it just took over and I didn’t even know it.
The booze was always the main event.I hate my brain it’s like really a stubborn little shit.
I have been devouring sober books all weekend.My newest and most prized one is A Sober Year by Meredith Bell.She just has so much inspiration.She speaks the sober language in simple terms my fried white matter can comprehend.
I am going to see a new therapist on Thursday,big step I usually fire them after one visit.I’ve had so many wonky things told to me about me but that is a whole blog in itself.I know I abuse booze and in turn it abuses me right back.It’s like girlfriends in Jr.High BBF one minute then your alone and isolated from the pack of wolves the next.
BIG STEPS for me,but I want a healthier lifestyle, for me myself and I.
I have spent so many years bring a wife,mom ,sister and a friend.I’m really good at everyone else’s needs and wants and have left the self care up to no one.
I Had to walk through a lot,I mean a lot of grown up shit in the last 10 years and I stayed pretty sedated throughout them all.But the thing is I want to feel the good parts as well as the bad parts.Being sedated I’m numbing out all the crap I don’t want to filter through,but missing out on all the beauty also.
So that’s my thoughts today,very different thoughts than even a month ago.

My cuckoo’s nest

Insanity doing the same thing over expecting different results.I picked up over the weekend,and did not get different results.I just got a big fat hangover.That’s it plain an simple.That’s what I do to quell boredom,fear,and anything I just don’t want to face.I’m a runner.I have the fight or flight thing down pat especially the the flight part.
So I feels it’s just better to blog about it.Not beat myself up and put on my no drinkies hat for me .
I Know it’s not going to be easy this sober thing,but nothing in life worth anything ever is. I love all you bloggers,congrats to 6yr hangover on 91 days that’s big.I have gained a lot of great insight being on these pages.I didn’t ask to be a big booze.I never gave it much thought it’s just what the family did,no questions asked.It’s just what my hubby family did,and the wake of destruction is now very apparent.My mom didn’t drink she was really allergic,my sister hates the taste.Me I’m like pops side of the family looks and all, begged for sips of beer since I was a tot.
I’m going to fake it till I make it,I’m determined to make it.
Thanks for the support and don’t give up on me I’m a work in progress.